Culture Mush

Being as I have never been the most handsome guy, the most financially well off, nor have I been blessed with the highest IQ, I’ve had to get through life in a manner which many around us have: By mastering the ways of always appearing intellectually superior to the individuals that I associate with. While you might be wondering how it is possible for a person with a small IQ to portray himself or herself as an intellectual giant, I guarantee you it is quite simple if you follow the 7 golden rules.

• Step 1. When having a heated debate or just a conversation with an individual, be sure to work lots of percentages into the discussion. Actually learning correct statistics about anything and everything is a daunting task, just mentally prefabricate an ad lib style format in which random percentages can be plugged in. My favorite goes something like this: “Yes, that is a good point but are you aware that __% of all ______ experience _______ at least __ times in their lifetime?” Add about six variations of the percent-lib and you’ll have your ass covered in all situations.

• Step 2. There will be times in your life when a friend will come to you for advice, as you are of course supposed to be viewed as an intellectual giant. In times like these, it’s essential to memorize some obscure quotes from famous writers that have nothing to do with the topic at hand. After quoted, you must always follow it up with the words “think about it.” and make a mysterious exit. An example in which this could be used:
  Herman says: “Derek…My girlfriend cheated on me last week and has contracted genital herpes. What should I do about this?
  Derek says: “As my pay B.F. Skinner would say, “The real question is not whether machines think but whether men do. The mystery which surrounds a thinking machine already surrounds a thinking man.” Think about it. ::turns slowly and walks away::

• Step 3. Go Green. The next time you purchase a car, make sure it’s a Prius. If you need clothes, make sure they are made of 100% hemp. Need a place to live? Build a mud hut on an abandoned lot using sticks, weeds, grass, sand and sewage water. Make sure everything you use is run off of solar power or by breathing through a straw. Once you are as green as a frog, make it a point to rag on all of your friends that don’t follow in your footstep. Anytime you see them eat a meal that came in a wrapper or drink from a disposable bottle, make sure to roll your eyes and blurt out something about their carbon footprint and how their actions alone are leading to the melting of the polar ice caps.

• Step 4. During a political election, make sure that you can’t find a single issue that either popular candidate represents, and throw all of your support into the independent candidate. Knowing that you are a part of the 5% that will be voting for somebody like Ron Paul makes you different than 95% of the nation. Of course the smaller percentage of the population is really “in the know”, so why not become part of that elite club. Sure somebody like Ron Paul will never win, but at least it gives you a reason to bash any leader in office for the rest of your life.

• Step 5. Be sure that you do not own a television. Well, maybe you can own one and watch it when nobody is around, but make sure that you hide it when friends are near. Anytime you hear a group of people talking about something on TV, be sure to exclaim something like “Television rots your cerebral cortex and diminishes your sperm count. If people would just read books all day like I do, the world would be a peaceful place where people eat nothing but gum drops and defecate nothing but beautiful rainbows.” The fact that people are in shock that you do not watch TV will be enough to make them lose sight that you used the words “gum drops” and “defecate” to illustrate world peace.

• Step 6.  Be sure that you keep up with the American craze of downing coffee by the gallons, but be sure that you don’t indulge at Starbucks. While the majority of people spend $597,456 a piece on Starbucks annually, you can be proud that you’ve only spent $67,876 at the local Jammin’ Java. Aside from the organic Icelandic coffee and the skim soy milk that Starbucks doesn’t sell, you can also brag to your friends about your collection of 400 vinyl records that you’ve picked up there from artists that nobody has ever heard of. That sure beats their Elton John CD’s and their collection of insulated coffee cups!

• Step 7. Become a spelling Nazi. Scour every piece of writing that a person outputs on the internet, and be sure to pick out every spelling error. If that person is debating with you, make it a point to correct their usage of “your” when it should be “you’re”, and make sure that you discount their intent 100%. Everybody knows that proper grammar and spelling far exceeds the importance of intent.

There you have it…7 simplistic steps that will always make you look intellectually superior to anybody that you associate with. If used correctly, you will notice that people avoid conversation with you in order to avoid feeling like a peon, you will never get invited out with friends because they don’t want to listen to your always correct criticisms, and people won’t come to you for advice because they’ll feel you are mentally out of their league. That or maybe you’ll just be free of all I mentioned in the last sentence because people will think you’re an asshole. Hey…at least if you’re friendless, you’re still an intellectual stud, and that’s all that matters, right champ?!